Where there is challenge, there is growth
This can be said for many experiences & challenges that seem to happen on a daily basis, I guess that’s what life is. A constant set of challenges all thrown our way to keep growing & learning. I do feel that environment, logistics & mindset has a lot to do with how we approach challenges & in some cases what may be a challenge now may have passed us by un-noticed previously.
But ultimately, it’s a state of mind.
Of late,I definitely felt like I was losing my mojo. You know when you really feel like you can’t be bothered & nothing you do seems to make a difference, each new dawn is same shit, different day & that’s if you’re lucky! Some days just all merge into one long dreary, tiring mess. Before you know it, you’re surrounded by chaos & 109 more jobs on the ‘to do’ list.
I’ve had weeks of my son not sleeping. Weeks of meltdowns. Weeks of school refusal. It feels like being in prison. I hear people complaining about their ‘dreary lives’ & how bored they are… one man’s prison is another man’s freedom. With the clocks going forward an hour too, every man & his dog seem to be complaining of losing sleep! Really?! Welcome to my World Sleepy!
I get so close to giving up sometimes. I didn’t ask to be in this position & much of what exaggerates the misery is most definitely environment. Oh I’m grateful don’t get me wrong, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly & not just a bed but a bedroom too! I don’t want to go back to sleeping on the sofa & receiving food bank. Tinned processed peas & packet instant custard isn’t very appetizing, although one week we did get fresh salmon! ( I think they collected food donations from the posh end of town that time!) I seem to have more material things now than I ever had when we lived in Cornwall, but we had so much more than money could buy. Beautiful, natural environment, kids had a very happy social & school life, a very small but cosy house, we had our own little bubble of love. I miss it so very much. It’s very difficult to feel positive these days, when you really don’t really like where you live, your kids have lost their young innocence, you feel like its Groundhog day everyday. You don’t even have anyone to share your life with & you have no desire to meet anyone anyway because you don’t want to stay here!
BUT, you can’t give up. In order for things to change, you have goals to reach & dreams to catch. If you want success, & singleparenting is a hard balancing act! You need to control your thoughts & mindset. Have a blip. Take a breath. Move on.
How did I pick myself up from this sinking, dark feeling? Well first let me say that it’s not the first time & it won’t be the last. It happens quite a lot. Depression rears it’s ugly head time & time again & I get so close to the edge I think I’m about to break.( There may be Linkin Park lyrics there, but Chester always knew how to tell it like I felt it, Rest his beautiful soul)
The virus was knocking me for six, my daughter has just been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, my son isn’t sleeping or going to school, I had a big jewellery order to complete & send off to the United States, the house is a mess, I’m a mess…put on weight, not running….the list goes on. It’s no wonder with all you have to cope with, you feel like throwing in the towel.
But I’m not their Dad. He walked. He lives his carefree, mortgage free, breakfast in bed, happy jolly lifestyle in Cornwall. I can’t & won’t walk out on my kids.
I sat on the floor, cried loudly. Felt helpless. What changed? Nothing.
First, I had to complete this order,( my jewellery design, Glow Rox) it had already been delayed because of postal deliveries affected by the snow, then incorrect orders to deal with. People were counting on me & i love making others happy. So I finished the order for the highly successful social media influencer Crowned For Success. I posted some photos on Instagram & the feedback was fabulous! Could I really excite others that much with something I’d made! I realised I needed to get my head back in the game & do what I love.
Work had also been tough, it’s draining working with kids at the best of times, but I was lucky I even had a job, it wasn’t that long ago I was practically begging for it back after losing it due to being off with my son so much.
Sometimes we have to actually embrace the chaos, often stepping back & looking at it logically instead of being caught up & tangled in it. We make mistakes, we learn, we grow, we hopefully move on. Nothing is perfect for anyone.
When there seems like no fight left, you can always do another round.